Wednesday, January 02, 2013

New year, new trees, new streets

Happy new year to all of you. For those of you in Lagos, enjoy the "traffic-free" season that you are currently having. All those easterners will return over the weekend to clog up the roads again and short the transport services, which means that a lot of you will resume the state government sanctioned fitness programme that has seen me lose at least 2 kilogrammes ever since the okada were shuffled out of town. Not that I mind trekking mind you, the problem is that our environment is so harsh that a casual stroll from Maryland to Alausa tends to end up being a sweat-festival because of the lack of trees in the city. A fact that the governor is finally coming round to. However, elitist that he is, Tunde Fashola is more interested in planting trees to combat desertification, rather than provide a cool shade for the millions of fitness buffs that he has created. One wonders what the girls that line the streets of Abuja would do.

Well, given that their supervising Minister has proved that he has nothing better to do than chase girls around, Abuja hos have taken to the internet to conduct their business. Personally, I have always been fascinated with the Nigerian ho. It takes a certain level of guts, or stupidity, or desperation, to stand on a Nigerian street on a dark, NEPA-lit night and conduct business. Seriously, this is a country where all manners of yahoos can come and kidnap you in the name of looking for a "fresh, young, maiden" for a ritual, and the religious right, rather than praying for your safe return would screech "Hallelujah" in English, Latin, Arabic and Tongues. But as the Daily Trust's report proves (in my mind at least), stupidity is not exactly in these girls' repertoire. The report also proves another basis fact: Bala Mohammed has been wasting public funds in pursuing these girls all over the place. As long as there is a demand for the product they are selling, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A SUPPLY.

One thing that is definitely not obeying the age-old economic laws of demand and supply however, is President Jonathan's much vaunted "second term". Truth be told, if that law were to be obeyed, then there is no way, based on performance till date, that the sitting President will be contemplating yet another term of failed promises. However, this is Nigeria, and such economic nonsense does not hold, so Abuja residents are now beginning to enjoy some new artwork.

I had alluded to failed promises from the sitting President a few seconds ago, apparently Rasheed Bisiriyu of The Punch has taken the time to actually catalogue them for posterity. Not that it matters, Nigerians prefer to listen to promises/speeches from Prophets, never mind the fact that different prophets are saying different things. One of them will have to be wrong at the end of the year. However, since prophecy is a business that is certain to prosper, I can begin the practice towards starting my own church from here: at the end of 2013, the churches will still be full!

Bits and bobs

Still on the vein of prophecies/promises, the PHCN in Bauchi is promising people in that zone "the full complement of electricity". As is usual with Nigerian promises, there is no specific date given. One wonders whether to pack his bags and head to Bauchi, but then again, is there a point?

Not mindful of the fact that his party failed to present a single candidate in the last General Elections, Aliyu Umar accuses INEC of de-registering only parties that cannot rig. His now de-registered party was the Peoples Redemption Party, which frankly I had not heard of until I was going through the papers this morning. But then, N50 millions every four years for free is a lot more than the vast majority of people in this land will ever see in their entire lifetimes...

Mr. President is taking his job as Chief Security Officer of Nigeria very seriously. As a result, he has announced the arrest of the UN Building, Police HQ and Madalla Church bombers. However, he forgot to tell us their names, or the details of their arrest. But we forgive him, he is new at this sort of thing.

Rabiu Ibrahim, who has not kicked the ball for Glasgow Celtic for a single minute this season, still somehow managed not to make the Super Eagles' camp on time. He will be joining the team in Spain for this evening's trashing by Catalonia. You can follow Catalonia 8-2 Nigeria on various twitter feeds from 8pm.

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