Thursday, January 03, 2013

Love and machetes

One of the most painful things that can happen to a writer is when you're almost done with your piece, and the computer freezes up. Thus it is that your newsletter is arriving rather late. My apologies.

Apologies are something that Big Boss, Stefan Keshi would not be contemplating issuing to former Super Eagles troublemaker, Osaze Odemwingie. Not after watching his wards hold Barcelona's B-Team to a 1-1 draw. Never mind the fact that he was just snubbed by a fading geriatric who was rejected by England almost a decade ago, a time frame which in football terms is like eternity.

But then from one tale of unrequited love to a possible one, and Sebastian Udeh must be wondering what went wrong. Rather than making love to his wife all night long on New Year's night, he had an all-night altercation with her, and a few machete cuts later, she ended up on a mortuary slab, while he has ended up cooling his heels at the Rivers state CID.

Such is life you might say, as another person who has been cooling his heels has re-emerged. No, not from the clink, but from a hospital bed. Taraba state's number one pilot has been photographed with his wife, two babies, and some unknown character. What I find striking about the picture is that while Mrs. Suntai is grinning from ear to ear, Captain Suntai has something akin to a scowl plastered on his face. One can only advise Taraba's official parrot to remove all machetes from the vicinity of the Government House in Jalingo rather than telling us about "no vacancies in Government House". We hear enough of that from Abuja already.

Yes, we do hear such nonsense on the regular from Abuja, and thus it was that the eggheads surrounding the President came together, took their phrase books to task, and came up with a statement about the new works of art that Abuja residents have had to endure. "What is most important now is for the president to deliver on his electioneering promise to Nigerians and not to embark on the pasting of posters," whimpered Chief Parrot Abati, while in the background, one of the 67 million unemployed Nigerians accepted 1k to paste some more posters.

Truth is, this issue of 67 million unemployed Nigerians is one that we cannot afford to toy with, yet one that we keep paying lip service to. If our government has people who are capable of engaging their brains into gear, it will be painfully obvious that sorting the problem is "easy". Embark on massive infrastructure projects, and create a real environment for SMEs to operate in. Sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case as it is a lot easier to "deliver on electioneering promises". Thus it is that the big man in charge of electricity regulation in Nigeria has told us that SMEs will get a new electricity charge as a Valentine's present. What he failed to tell us are (i) whether the new charge will be higher than what obtains at the moment; and (ii) whether electricity will actually be provided to the SMEs so they can get on with the job of actually providing avenues of employment rather than servicing generators.

Bits and bobs

That nebulous group called "stakeholders" is worried about the dominance of our stock market by foreigners. Maybe they should be informed that foreigners dominate just about everything in our country, including what we eat, such as rice.

Tunji Owoeye, a blazer belonging to the Rice Dealers Association, has raised the alarm on the quality of rice in circulation. Maybe someone ought to point out to him that only last month, we were informed that the rice we import from Thailand nowadays is 15 years old.

Two of the noisemakers that pass themselves off as musicians in Nigeria have realised that Tupac and Biggie are both dead. Davido and Wizkid have "settled their beef". Both of them were toddlers during the heyday of rap music, so it is possible that they've gone to class for history lessons, and learned that beef leads to an early grave.

Baba is in the news again. This time he's offering advice to the Lagos PDP on how to be better thugs.


Anonymous said...

Quirky, summarily delivered to point

Anonymous said...

Well written article.

Anonymous said...

Mr Chxta, DO we know how many shine shine bo bo di Matchete lover had before he went all Hermes and the Infant Dionysus on the poor woman? Nice Write up sha