Monday, July 26, 2010

The minefield of Lagos brothels

By Chinedu Ozordi.

Forget about the traditional scares of contracting STDs, or getting caught in a police raid, customers of the very many Lagos brothels have a new, and more drastic, danger to think about; getting your privates chewed.

Kanayo Chukwu bit off (pun intended) more than he could chew when he attempted to hire the services of a commercial sex worker, Abosede Johnson, for a bit of fun on July 19, at about 10 pm in People’s Palace Hotel, Ojuolobun, Lagos Island.

The details of what transpired are a bit unclear, and the fact that the matter is before the court leaves little room for wild speculations. One fact is indisputable: Mr Chukwu emerged from the tryst with a bloody and swollen member for the N1, 400 he paid. He has dragged the 24-year-old woman of easy virtue – but harder dentures - to court, accusing her of taking an illegal bite off his penis.

Ms Johnson acknowledges taking the money, but denied the bite, and says it all started with a ruptured condom. She told the court that when she informed Mr Chukwu that the condom he was putting on had ruptured in the course of their love(?)making, he ignored her and “continued with the action.”

“It was when I tried to pull him out of me that my long and sharp finger nails cut into his private part,” she said.

This line of defence annoyed Mr Chukwu who, determined to prove his case beyond reasonable doubt, proceeded to pull down his trousers to reveal a swollen and blood-soaked private part swathed in bandages – to the shocking glee of all those present in the court.

Whether it was the teeth or the “long and sharp nails” that damaged such a fragile piece of his anatomy, one thing is clear; Mr Chukwu won’t be going near a brothel in a long while.

(This piece was first published in NEXTonSunday) .

Friday, July 23, 2010

More maths...

So Attahiru Jega reckons that the INEC needs N55billion to successfully do the voters register. Well, if you read NEXT, it is 55, if you read Punch it is 72. For the purpose of this write-up, let us work with the smaller sum.

What I find interesting is this: Prof. Jega drew on the example of Bangladesh in making his claims. According to him, and he is quite correct, it took the Bangladeshis eight months to complete their voters' registration. We have four months. He also says that the Bangladeshis completed their registration with 30 000 units of the scanning machine. Then he points out that the machines cost $2000 per unit.

30 000 units at a cost of $2000 each would come to $60,000,000. Multiply that by 150 (converting to Naira), and we get N9,000,000,000. Unless my Maths is incredibly faulty, that is N9billion! Even if we make room for a doubling of the number of machines needed because we have half the time that Bangladesh had, we would still arrive at N18billion. So where does this extra N37billion that would make the lower limit of N55billion come from?

More questions, fewer answers...

After yesterday's shenanigans, are you still prepared to get back to work? Get back to work.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Talking before thinking

One thing I say a lot is that Nigerian government officials have a sad tendency to pull statistics our of their arses. I just read a story on NEXT about Nigerian soldiers fathering a large number of children in Liberia, and this again to my mind reinforces that view. Sule Bassi, a Nigerian foreign official claims that Nigerian soldiers fathered 250 000 children in Liberia.

Two hundred and fifty thousand!

Now, I will not for one second deny the fact that Nigerians are a promiscuous lot, so it is only natural that our representatives, soldiers, footballers, students, Olympians and of course government officials, go about plunging into the females in whatever host communities/countries that they find themselves in.

However, let us ask certain questions about Mr. Bassi's claim...

The Liberian Civil War began in 1989 when the country's population was just under a million. A year later, the West African regional body, ECOWAS formed the military unit ECOMOG to bring an end to the war. Initially, there was equitable deployment of West African troops, but eventually Nigeria bore the bulk of ECOMOG's man-power and finances. It must be noted though, that ECOMOG peaked at 12 000 troops in 1995.

Liberia as a country currently has a population of just under 4 millions,with a growth rate of 3.66% and a male-female ratio of 0.98 men per woman, almost 1 to 1. If we project backwards, using these statistics, we would find that Liberia's population in 1997 when ECOMOG pulled out was just over a million.

As is the case with most developing countries, almost 50% of Liberia's population is children under 18. Now if in 1997, Liberia had a million people, it is safe to assume that at the worst 40% or 400 000 were children under 18 (current ratio for children under 14 is 43%). Nigerian involvement in Liberia began seven years earlier, which knocks off all of the children between the ages 7 and 18. Just looking at it logically, it would mean that there is no way that children ages 0 - 7 would be as many as 100 000. Yet Mr. Sule Bassi would have us believe that Nigerian soldiers fathered 250 000 children with women in Liberia?

Simple and short, there were not even enough women to go round to fit such numbers. Mr. Bassi should get off his arse and make himself useful. If he can't do that he should kindly shut the hell up.

Rant over. You can get back to work...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Training the trainer

Inspired by this article...

In 2007, a scandal broke in the world of technology about 11000 laptop computers that were meant to be supplied to Nigerian schools. The original deal was made with software company Mandriva. and their Mandriva Linux distribution was meant to run those computers. Somewhere along the line, the Mandriva CEO at the time alleged that Microsoft through its agent had bribed Nigerian government officials to install Windows on those computers rather than Mandriva Linux.

It turned out however, that the decision to wipe off Mandriva and install Windows was not made by our government, but by the supplier, TSC. TSC officials had decided that they would rather go for a 'tested platform' for the laptops rather than the 'untested' Linux platform. Why TSC committed money to buying computers with Mandriva already installed and then replacing them with Windows at an extra cost is still a mystery. In any event, after all the furore, TSC went ahead with Mandriva, the computers were imported, and distributed.

A few weeks ago, this reporter saw one of those computers in a little village called Ogbia in Bayelsa state. I had gone to train some people there on the use of Ubuntu Linux and one of the boys pulled out a TSC computer that had the entire educational suite installed on it, running Mandriva Linux. I had to give him a quick crash course on its use.

What irked me was what he told me. When the computers were brought back in 2007, the people who brought them just came, dumped them and they have not been seen since. This attitude actually makes TSC's initial decision to dump Mandriva in favour of Windows the correct one, in a manner of speaking. The boys in Ogbia have been exposed to Windows, but not to Linux, and without some form of training, those computers were useless. Gift, the young man in question, has been thirsting to use his gadget for three years, and had no clue until I walked into his classroom in 2010!

This brings into question the use of the computers being brought by the Lagos state government for e-learning. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Linux is a superior platform to Windows in every way, and from the MOST important view point in our environment, cost, there is no better Operating System.

But this superiority has to be properly harnessed. If the computers that Lagos is bringing in have Linux installed, then Lagos has to go the way of the Rantyia Academy in Jos and get people to train the teachers (and first set of students) properly. If Lagos decides to go the way of Windows, then Lagos must be willing to spend what it has to spend to install proper educational software on these computers rather than let them start training future 419ers like the experiment at Ubitech in Benin City.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). she also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. shouldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev.. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Monuments to failure

The harsh reality is that despite the fact that Bola Tinubu has become an albatross on the neck of Tunde Fashola, both of them have set a standard for governance in Nigeria. Projects started by the Tinubu administration (most notably the BRT transport service) were completed by the Fashola administration, and are being run creditably. Sadly, this example is not been replicated elsewhere and particularly not in Yenagoa, where the picture of this building was taken.

Read about the building and what it represents on