Friday, July 25, 2014

The new neighbour

One thing that can rightly be said about the current suits in Nigeria is that in terms of infrastructure, they are making fair attempts. What I worry about is sustainability. You see, you may build new roads and bridges, but nothing prevents another set of hooligans from taking over government, and failing to maintain what you have built. Which is why news of completed, or rehabilitated infrastructure, does not excite me.

You see, what is needed to be done, is to empower the states. For example, I will not be sitting rather angrily, on the way to a meeting in Apapa, if the hands of Lagos were not tied behind its back. In all honesty, this crap, made worse by a light shower this morning, would have been sorted a long time ago if Lagos were allowed to repair this road. And not yet another committee!

One of the reasons I'm scared of sitting in endless miles of traffic in this town is that we may not, or we may , have a new resident. Maybe, just maybe, with the Uncle Ebola preparing to take residence here, it's time to quote Dante - abandon hope all ye who enter here!

Bits and Bobs
  • Guys, ignore social media, we are not recruiting, says CBN
  • Despite the best efforts of #DoyinOkupe in London yesterday, I still listen to the generator symphony every day. Maybe this is why.
  • In these parts anything can be made into a racket. So fake visas in passports to deceive embassy staff is fair game. The innovative chaps involved are singing hymns.
  • And speaking of those who sing hymns, there is a school of thought that says that big boys don't sign hymns in this, err, geographical expression. Someone wonders why.
  • Thursday, July 24, 2014

    Sleeping on duty

    Take a moment and put yourself in the shoes of poor Willy Obiano, waking up in the safety of the Government House in Awka, to the sounds of men-o'-the-night marauding around in his house. This, all because the men-in-black on duty had helped themselves to some mind-bending substances, and then proceeded to piss the night away.

    At least Uncle Willy will have some peace knowing that this set of guards will be away from guard duties for a while. In the case of Uncle Muhammadu, his own guards have been taken to the afterlife, and not necessarily because they slept. An explosive device did the job while Uncle Muhammadu rolled through Kaduna. A few minutes before, a device of similar purposes almost took out the leader of Sufists in Nigeria. Sheikh Dahiru Bauchi. In some quarters, the Prez was lampooned for thanking God that neither man died. I beg to take a different view.

    Unlike Uncle Willy's men-in-black, God was not sleeping on duty. Just stop for a moment and imagine, what would have happened had these two powerful men in the northern establishment been dispatched on the same day. God rest the dead.

    Bits and Bobs
  • Foreign noisemakers are again telling us that they expect us to be among the World's Top 20 within two presidencies. And this without light.
  • But maybe we are already there as another set of foreign noisemakers have thrown their hands up in the air to say that Nigerians are not as poor as they imagined.
  • Since we are not that poor, I wonder why it is still so hard for me to get a reasonable loan from my bank.
  • Sadly, the people who are in a position to do something about that can only throw up their hands in despair.
  • While buoyed by the new cash floating around, men-o'-the-night have written letters to some Nigerians, asking them to advise their guards to fall asleep.
  • Wednesday, July 23, 2014


    My sincere apologies for not sending this earlier, there are two reasons for that: first, there was a lot of work to be done, but as Obi Mordi pointed out in his email demanding his morning tonic, that has never really stopped anything before. Sigh!

    The second reason really is that I am unhappy. Unhappy and depressed. You see, normally, the number 100 is an anniversary. A cause for celebration. But not so these days. Quite a number of Nigerian girls have been missing for that long now, and honestly, I do not think that the majority of them will be coming back. I found a piece about this very issue, and well, I must commend Oby Ezekwesili for her optimism. It is one thing that frankly, I do not share. What do you think?
    Bits and Bobs
    P.S: While you are pondering the JAMB question, spare a thought for the victims of what now appear to have been multiple bomb blasts in Kaduna today. God rest the dead.

    Tuesday, July 22, 2014

    Hot air

    Steam is a very powerful fuel. As a matter of fact, the Industrial Revolution began because someone found that you could use steam to move things that teams of men and/or horses could not move. Steam, is essentially a by-product of hot air. And steam, can be used to produce light. So I'd recommend that assorted government suits, rather than blowing hot air at the power problem, put that hot air to good use, and produce some steam that we can actually use to produce electricity.

    The problem though, is that sometimes it appears more profitable to blow hot air in the direction of a problem, rather than apply that hot air to good use. Thus it was that 3 months after they were taken away from their dorms in the dead of night by evil men, the location(s) of the #Chibok babes remain(s) firmly known to assorted government suits, but same suits have decided that it is in the interest of the girls, to remain where they are, in the hands of evil men.

    Evil men who are running rough shod all over this land of ours, and pissing at the corners of various towns, villages and hamlets to mark out territory, while miles away, khaki parrots are, blowing hot air, about using an iron sponge to stop these evil men.

    Bits and Bobs
  • So, do genetically modified crops have a shot in Nigeria's hot air filled landscape?
  • Innoson, Nigeria's only car-maker, is showing promise. Soon, we will be driving genuinely cheap vehicles.
  • Usually, very bad things happen when first people are identified. Following identification comes sorting out, following sorting out, well, the killing begins. Let's hope that this order will nip it in the bud.
  • Nigeria's budget is just over N4 trillions. Salaries for Federal workers only, is N1.8 trillions. Did I hear someone say something about recurrent expenditure?
  • Monday, July 21, 2014

    Learning the wrong lessons

    There's a history lesson in today's ThisDay paper about how back in the 1990s, a bank suit made a decision to, for just one day become a teller. Sadly, this history lesson comes to a rather erroneous conclusion as it did not identify the underlying causes of said suit's decision to handle the cash. You see, Mr. Adeola's becoming a teller for one day in 1991, was made to alert customers about a new kid on the block, not because his tellers were not on duty. Which is why the IG's PR stunt made yesterday complete with a traffic warden's gear, is most unwelcome. The traffic warden who allegedly abandoned his post, has, to my knowledge, not been punished for dereliction of duty.

    But then being that the IG appears more interested in directing traffic rather than fighting crime, maybe, just maybe, the head of our police force should be redeployed to Lagos where the gridlock is positively overwhelming. I'm being serious here: the jam on what is probably Nigeria's most important road is such that even the normally upbeat fila in charge of Lagos affairs has thrown his hands up, and resorted to shifting the blame.

    Much like the suit at the Interior Ministry. However luckily for him, and that errant traffic warden in Abuja, people don't get punished around these parts. So months after 19 young Nigerians were stampeded from the mortal coil, the man who's head should have been on the block for that monumental tragedy, is still beating drums about promises that have clearly been forgotten.

    Bits and Bobs
  • Quick history lesson here; in 1980, Nigeria's underfunded athletes went to Moscow for the Olypmic games, and returned with no medals, but with camp tales of sex and sleaze. In 2014, Nigeria's underfunded athletes are headed to Glasgow, in rags.
  • What is a bit of a problem is that when these athletes return with STDs, the people who may treat them will still be in court.
  • But even if by some miracle, Nigeria's legal system evolves from being a tortoise to being a rabbit, the operation(s) may still fail as there will be no light.
  • But the lack of power is not much to worry about as we will finally be able to eat home grown rice. Praise be!