Friday, November 21, 2014

The benefits of weed as an analgesic

One strong contender for the title of the greatest Nigerian ever, will be the late Olufela Olusegun Oludotun Anikulapo-Kuti. He definitely is a shoo in for the title of "greatest prophet that Nigeria has ever produced", unlike many of the jet setting charlatans that we have these days. In 1979, Prophet Fela told an audience in Berlin, "Man get power, Him take am talk nonsense".

Now, there are a lot of you who will argue that Prophet Fela's prophecies were tainted by the perpetual cloud of ganja he had hanging over his head. Chxta thinks that to Prophet Fela, the ganja was analgesic. It served the purpose of relieving him from the pain of what he saw. Think about it: Prophet Fela staring into his crystal ball back in 1979, and seeing the reason given by a Man get power, talking nonsense to justify yesterday's coup. When, you hear such crappy talk, ganja, in reality, is one of the few substances on God's green earth, that can take your mind off things.

But to be fair to the police parrot, the police did receive reports about hoodlums about to invade the hallowed chambers of the National Assembly. You see, in genuinely civilised climes, when your path is blocked by unreasonableness, one option is to take the high ground, and have a sit-in, in front of the unreasonable people, or simply call the press, then walk away. However, a hoodlum, will, err, squeeze his massive frame over a fence, and emerge on the other side, panting and congratulating himself. So yes, Emma Ojukwu is right. They did receive reports that hoodlums were on the way to the National Assembly. But as "defenders of our democracy" they should not have fired tear gas at these hoodlums. Haba!

Now dear reader consider this: a good percentage of our legislators plan to move into the executive at some point or the other. That is one of the reasons why despite all the evidence that they should, such as yesterday's melee, you will not find them discussing a Bill to limit the powers of the Executive, but rather appending their signatures to fruitless ventures that can only cause more trouble. Consider the implications of that - more hoodlums will cross over from the legislature to the executive, and spread the love. Then, as their tenures in the executive run out, they, and their trainees, will cross back to the legislature.

Heck, we are already seeing some of those trainees in action for Okoro's sake. Ask Mrs. Oguezuonu. The nursing mother was silly enough to discipline a student in her class, and in return, said student's boyfriend whipped her with a machete. Now that, is a future fence-jumping legislator in training.

In Dante's immortal words: "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here". Let me stop here and give my local ganja seller a call.

Bits and Bobs
  • It looks like the striptease is becoming the preferred form of dispensing justice in these parts. Na wa o!
  • No #BokoHaram or Delta militant has been charged with treason. So these "Biafrans" must be wondering what's up.
  • A few days ago, we talked about #Ekiti lawmakers who can't count. Well, the journey continues, and no Mr. Omirin, it is no laughing matter.
  • Finally, speaking of Vagabonds in Power, almost three years after shooting Ademola Daramola in front of cameras, Segun Fabunmi, formerly of Pen Cinema Police Station, tells us that he has no idea how the bullets left his assault rifle. That ganja will really be handy this day...
  • Thursday, November 20, 2014

    Keshi IS Nigeria

    Ah, the morning after. When most of the footie addicts are trying to imagine all sorts of ways to call in sick at work, or burn their Papa Eagles overalls. But, did you know that yesterday was a positive? Nigeria's electoral process coincides with the footie, so with that out of the way early, no one will be too depressed to go and vote.

    A lot of people have complained about Big Boss and how his team has [snip - foul language - Chxta's Ed] and how he should be drawn, hanged and quartered. But let's for a brief second let go of the sentiments and ask ourselves some tough, and uncomfortable questions: Keshi has been coach of Papa Eagles for nigh on three years now. In that time, he has spent more of his time fighting football suits who'd rather see him gone. In that time, our best players have, with the notable exception of the goalkeeper, gone from starters to bench warmers. In that time, not one Nigerian club has performed well on the continent. In that time, we have had four NFF chairmen, in different factions of course.

    Speaking of the NFF, it is nigh on impossible to separate their incompetence from what has befallen our footie. Heck, twenty coaches in twenty years (scratch that, 22, since Keshi was fired, replaced and reinstated), in itself speaks volumes to the instability that is the hallmark of our football. As a matter of fact, the only part of our footie that is stable is the Supporters Club which Rabiu Ladipo has turned into his personal property for almost three decades now.

    So, if you want to cuss out Big Boss, just remember for a moment that this man, as arrogant and stubborn as he is, worked for yonks without a salary, and without many of his contractual promises being fulfilled by his employer. Yet, he broke a twenty year duck in winning the last AFCON, broke a 16 year duck by winning a World Cup game, and has simply returned us right back to where he met us, failure to qualify for the AFCON.

    Bits and Bobs
  • The tables have firmly turned, and Nigerian women are now the bosses at home, including flogging their hubbies.
  • Finally the Army is learning a thing or two from #BokoHaram. We have pictures of a town we are in control of...
  • Tired of her rascally tenant, Mrs. Okebuse, in Benin, invited three policewomen to kick her out, then watched the three forced to do a striptease.
  • Shade and Atinuke loved their brother, Babatunde, so much, that they were willing to risk the slammer to get him his high.
  • Wednesday, November 19, 2014

    Where Ekiti leads, Nigeria follows

    Ekiti, is a very small state in Nigeria. One of the smallest by nearly all measures you can think of. Yet, it is from such small places, that silly things which have a bearing on our collective future tend to happen. Consider the following: a few weeks ago, a Judge was slapped around a little, then another decided that a case was too hot for him to handle. All of this to the loud silence of our judiciary who should speak up when skulduggery is happening. Any wonder now that the Judge in the Farouk Lawan shindig, which has wasted time for all of two years, decided that taking off is a good option?

    It all speaks to a very sick judicial system, one that appointing new Big Wigs will not cure. But, the dance must go on mustn't it? So, while the cake is shared, it should surprise no one if tomorrow the Prez decided to lock a certain defecting speaker out of his office when the Reps grudgingly cut their holiday short tomorrow. After all, it has been done in Ekiti hasn't it?

    But look on the bright side. Even the rather selfish leaders of the northern parts of our country are learning how to bury their heads in the sand. By choosing to focus on "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire" rather than on "Homeland", they are learning from that wonderful school of Nigerian politics. Ekiti, as part of the old Western Region and Ondo state did the same aeons ago.

    Bits and Bobs
  • Still on the Walls of Jericho, and it appears that the guards in charge are not quite impartial.
  • Speaking of tones being set, a probe, who's results will be forgotten, has been set up by the Prez, to find out who kidnapped a few journos. Mind, one of the journos named the abductors...
  • Talatu's fiance decided that he wanted to marry someone else. In anger, she lit a candle, left it behind, and went to demand an explanation. When she returned, the candle was gone. As were her two kids.
  • 350k new jobs created in the last quarter is the new crow. Fair enough, but memento homo. Unemployment rate is (officially) above 23%...
  • Tuesday, November 18, 2014

    Learning to count

    We have a history of being bad at mathematics. Maybe that's why our country is so broken. You see, maths, is very important. If you want to build a house say, you need to calculate angles. Have you noticed that since about 2001 no building done by a Nigerian contractor has a straight pillar? That's the absence of maths. So it should come as no shock to anyone that our politicians cannot count. Heck, why should they be any different from the pool that they originate from? So to the Ekiti lawmakers I say, ride on brothers, there is no need to deny your intent or your actions. 7 is indeed greater than 19 as Chidi Lloyd, Godswill Akpabio and Jonah Jang can confirm.

    But the question about how bad things are is a serious one. Why, our schools have become centres where thugs and touts are trained. Problem is that we are not exactly friends to history, so many of us may not remember when, or where it all started. However, shrill Latter Rain collar, Tunde Bakare is exercising his brain muscles. "It all began in 1978," he recalled yesterday, "When OBJ was in charge and Akintunde Ojo was shuffled off the mortal coil."

    Chxta remembers being told the story of that incident too. Exactly as Uncle Bakare told it. This serves as an impromptu history lecture for graduates of Kashimawo University, err, sorry, UNILAG. Ever wondered who your SUG building was named after?

    I guess not, because we do not like such things in these parts. Why exercise brain muscles when you can exercise hip muscles? Which is the reason why reading this tearful one by some Nigerian dreamer based in Liberia is a waste of everyone's time.

    Bits and Bobs
  • Speaking of dreamers, someone took the time to dream up a check as to whether the Prez has been beneficial to "his country people".
  • Dreamers can still dream that there will be an Obed, as the people who are trying to look into the Wall of Jericho collapse have been given leave to continue looking.
  • For the few of you that enjoy maths, the figures from our bean counters are looking decidedly, err, bearish.
  • Finally, and on to more practical matters, and apparently, driving too hard a bargain with an Igbo trader could land you in the morgueKpachali anya.
  • Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    The cost of life...

    Consider this, Dotti Jumba was so pissed off with Wakili Guji that he decided that the only way to sort the issue was to have Guji bumped off. I think it is a little irrelevant to the discussion that Guji is his son-in-law, because I know from experience that I have infuriated my father-in-law on not one occasion, so it comes with the territory. What is most pertinent in my view from this, is the amount that changed hands between Jumba and Guji's would-be killers. Essentially, for as little as 237 US dollars, you can have someone dispatched to the afterlife in these parts!

    So then, it really should not surprise anyone that fresh off the execution of 47 minors the day before, our Prez was the celebrant in a carnival in our capital city, and like Rochas the day before, was told by the Almighty to go ahead with his mission to reoccupy the Rock.

    This Almighty sef that speaks from many sides of His mouth. That is how he told Pastor Solomon Eze, in Iju-Ishaga in Lagos, that that 11 year old girl was ripe, and supple enough to carry Pastor Junior...

    Bits and Bobs
  • The bitter serial losers at the APC are complaining about the Prez's declaration for office.
  • #BokoHaram's metamorphosis has not a few eggheads in khaki scratching their heads...
  • In a land where meanings are taken to everything, inferences are being drawn from certain absences from yesterday's carnival...
  • Finally, it appears that #BokoHaram have achieved a part of their objective in Yobe. School's out.